I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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