I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
