Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
