R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
