Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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