I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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