He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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