my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
