He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
barbara walters just said penis...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
