glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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