Cold hands, warm shart.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
