Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
