my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
