I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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