I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
