I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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