new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
