How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
