I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
