Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Boobs are out for the taking
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
