The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
