How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
