So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
