I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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