Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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