I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize