since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
