There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
