I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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