I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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