Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
