I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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