did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
