I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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