I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
