OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
