Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
