At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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