We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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