Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
