There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize