what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
