Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
