my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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