No stitches, just platelets and will power
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize