P.S. I can't hear my feet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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