Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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