If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
