I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well I just put wine in my tea
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
