Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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