I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
