But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
