I wannas sexs uuuuu
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
