ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
