You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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