i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
