I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
