i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
