I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
