I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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