Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
