my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
