I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
