whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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