she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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