It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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